Day 4-6
Friday, April 25th - Day Four
Could not sleep last night. I stayed at the library perhaps a little too late…brainstorming, journaling, making plans for the next few days. I took a shower back at the dorms then, tried to listen to Clueless as I fell asleep. I haven’t seen it in so long it was no longer a comfort viewing…so my brain refused to sleep. Felt a bit like my brain wouldn’t shut off after all the ideas started going. Lots of thoughts about making another documentary, about working on my Mary Toft play, about the motel/self-harm doctor play/the podcast play, about just doing some drawing/painting. It was very hard to quiet my mind last night.
When I did fall asleep briefly, I dreamt of Wallace Shawn stumbling on the deck of a huge ship. He was carrying a few boxes filled with…in fact, overflowing with costumes. The wind and the waves crashed against the boat. He wobbled, slipping and sliding. Somehow it felt like he was always going to be safe. The costumes were in danger. Crew members rushed to help him, but he told them “Forget it, I just need this one.” He grabbed what I can only describe as a king’s costume (a big noble robe with a crown and sceptor). The rest went into the ocean.
I think there are parts of me that have to get taken by nature too. Maybe I’m meant to feel more like royalty than I do. I don’t need every costume here. I was slightly obsessed with the best possible version of me coming here. I have that desire to wander into spaces as the best version of myself with lots of fear that potentially this best version is somewhere behind me in the past.
Another delicious breakfast…groggy as I was. Said goodbye to Phoebe. We hugged and she shared her website with me.
I went on a walk to the graves today. Met Jane the driver. Saw a golf course with a pretty big “Welcome” sign. Wandered back to my studio. I kind of fell into this intense scream/yell/rap thing that lasted for several hours. Listening to a lot of DMX and different dance beats. I would do a lot of clapping, a lot of beat making, a lot of sitting to read and write.
I read bogfriends by jose sebastian alberdi, the rest of Pops (Gold and Silver Waltz, Yankee Doodle, and Songs of Love) by Romulus Linney, and Phoebe’s piece “Creative Prompts for Choosing a Name” published by Kenyon.
It was new arrival Erik’s birthday! We had a little Tennessee whiskey with dinner (he’s an architect and a fellow Tennessean). Great chat with Mairead about her performance art piece that she’s developing.
We had two presentations in the library. One from Tyson about his art installations that include feedback loops with digital cameras that produces unpredictable results (kind of a natural digital process…very psychedelic) as well as his documentary in process about his grandfather (also very very cool…almost made me cry…huge sprawling landscape/skyscape shots and a sense of surrealism too).
Then Dana presented her graphic novel work about her journey through caring for her mother with dementia (which has been made into an opera!) as well as her interactive graphic novel that leads participants through various genocides (many, many genocides) and asks them to turn these huge exquisite corpse pages. The pages stain your hands. Very rich work, emotionally and intellectually demanding.
A few of us hung back in the library, which is quickly becoming my favorite place. I had a moment where I thought I was getting a sign from Pop Pop (first reading Pops, then I saw another book called Pops, about Louis Armstrong). Maybe he’s just on my mind.
I stayed after to work a little on the Mary Toft project even though my throat was kinda raw from the scream rapping. I watched some of the improvised footage and cringed a little. I think it’s fine to question this direction now…the project is in its infancy…I haven’t pulled any interesting dead rabbits out of me yet. Haven’t tricked everyone quite yet. I will though! I’m determined.
I got out my flashlight…and made my way to my studio in the dark. I spent a little time thinking it could be cool to film the flashlight on these Macdowell paths. That isolated light. Being in the studio at night is SO different. I love it.
Work from this day:
Saturday, April 26th - Day Five
I woke up in my studio after peacefully falling asleep to the sounds of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Got quickly dressed for the first time in here. Had a blueberry pancake, a western omelette, a sausage, and a little strawberry with my coffee.
When I got back to my studio, I pulled up the lone wolf piece to work on further pages. I did maybe another page before falling into a cycle of looking through my hard drive at old photos. A lot of the shared work has been autobiographical and reminded me of my piece Selfie from grad school. I’ve always thought of that as something definitively finished, but here I’m hyper aware of that piece being a decade old. I think of the conclusions my 24 year old self made about my childhood and now at 34, I’m curious how I would explore my young adult years (the post grad school drag performance days, the alcohol abuse, the COVID and non-COVID habits of isolation, the life we live online vs the aspirational life).
I thought maybe you call it another selfie or a second selfie or selfie 2: electric keegaloo. For now, maybe I do over sharing as in I feel over the process of sharing. I’m over it but not above it. I’m intrigued by the things that scare me…the private parts of functional adult life. The sloppiness of not really growing up until you’re in your late 20s. I wonder if my playwriting has become a tidy place to hide the things I’m ashamed of that I was so quick to share in that initial documentary.
So I did a lot of dividing materials for this potential project…and I got a little frustrated when I realized that my current hard drive doesn’t go as far back as I’d need it to. No matter. I can start the process. Did a quick pass at writing the heron or her / on play, poem thingy too.
After the rain subsided, I decided to walk into Peterborough to grab a few essentials (razors and body wash, but who knows what treasures await me!). It’s a nice long walk downhill to the Big Apple…which I discover is really just a gas station so I hop across the street to the Rite Aid. There are lashes on sale (I think my presentation may end up being drag performance related, we’ll see). I get the aforementioned stuff, but also grab a 12 pack of beer, some index cards, and a headband of bunny ears. I start to envision this Mary Toft piece as very kitschy, campy. I eye a set of huge gold plastic eggs, but my hands were full.
As I wander back uphill, it begins to rain again. The cardboard box of the beer starts to deteriorate. I picture all twelve cans of Founder’s rolling to the lowest possible foundation of Peterborough. It’s a moment from an Amy Schumer style comedy. Carrying beer uphill in the rain, only to lose everything to gravity. My AppleWatch says this walk was hard for me. I agree. It felt a little like performance art…get the beer to the top of the hill in the rain. I pictured doing squats with the box. Maybe there’s something to carrying the heavy stuff without a need to put it in my own guts.
I kept thinking about the limits of the body. Also that this play may be irredeemably stupid. Hasn’t stopped me before. I picture me doing my hardcore London street rap then breaking character to ask Alice (or some director) if this is too much. It’s led me to a place where I’m thinking about my own body and the need to do stupid things with it. Silly things, painful things, clown things, down and depressed things. Maybe the play is silly fun mixed with autobiographical elements? I think of the time I reported my rape and was told to go to Women’s Services. I called them, left a message, never heard back. There’s an absurdity to this experience.
Laid on the floor, sweaty for a few minutes. Read the beginning of The Tricky Part.
Then I did a pre-dinner shower with my new body wash. I’m running out of clean clothes. Dinner was maple-glazed chicken with this incredible sauteed cabbage and kale. Dessert was a mocha custard, very rich.
Afterward Jessica and Borna hosted a screening of Hamlet (2000) in the library. Ate my share of popcorn as Ethan Hawke wandered the rows of Blockbuster wondering about being or not being. Very interesting to see a pre-9/11 Hamlet by way of Ricky Fitts in American Beauty. Bill Murray was stealth MVP with the Shakespearean text. Julia Stiles tossing polaroids of flowers, also inspired. Always great to see a movie celebrate fencing (The Parent Trap (1998) WHO?!)
I stayed after to check emails. I also sent jose one of my plays and made a little speculative poster art for the Mary Toft project…which for now is entitled: DREAMS DO COME TRUE, an erotic and emotional Easter Eggstravaganza, starring Mary “Ain’t Soft” Toft.
We’ll see if that sticks. I regret not getting the gold eggs in town. I want to have golden eggs in the play. Maybe in the audience. Maybe with secret messages. Maybe like a Willy Wonka moment!
I did some filming with the flashlight as I walked to the studio. It’s not exactly what I want it to be. I maybe need a smaller light. A crappier, tinier circle that can live within the frame. Still, very fun to walk in the dark filming only the ground in front of me. And I did a little running too. We’ll see if any of it is usable later.
Work from this day:
Sunday, April 27th - Day 6
Woke up in my studio. Went to the main hall for a breakfast sandwich and a delicious banana pancake. Coffee too. Coffee always.
We spent a bit of time talking about jealousy as artists. About the best practices to get through it. I shared that I thought about Hannah Horvath coming here. Reboot Girls for this and only this please!
I went for a nice long walk. Listened to a bit of the Blank Check podcast. Typed up erroneous thoughts about several different projects as I walked. Listened to a little Rocky Horror.
I came back to my studio, uploaded some footage from my adventure to Peterborough. I started manipulating one thirty second clip of the waterfall in town. Altered the audio to a “cathedral” ambiance level and slowed the footage. It almost looks like a ceiling that water is rushing to climb. I watched it and thought maybe I write a poem to pair with it.
So I wrote about three pages and it eventually became a conversation between two characters. The waterfall almost seems like bad motel art, so suddenly I’m thinking about the do no harm piece again.
During my lunch break I was visited by all the deer right outside my window! I paused the episode of Work of Art to film them for a little bit. Scheduled some time for laundry, a Zoom session, and also my presentation!
Called my mom at the library. Then I did a little typing up what I wrote earlier in the day. Dinner tonight was steak, freshly baked bread, roasted potatoes, cauliflower, and a strawberry shortcake with vanilla ice cream.
Tonight we watched Borna’s presentation of pages from their new play about young girls intrigued by the world of belly dancing. It was very funny and exciting too. I asked if I could read the rest of the play before we played Preferences (a game where we put little slips of paper into a basket with one word on each slip, you draw four, then privately arrange these four words according to your preference. Then everyone tries to guess how you’d rank these things. Lots of laughs. Lots of good PG-13 fun.
Came by the library to do some quick writing. Was joined by a little spider. It kinda danced with me for a moment. If I was a spider, I would want to live here in this library. Very aspirational. Maybe next life.
Work from this day: